As made clear in my last post, we’re ready for another baby. We’re tired of waiting. Time keeps on and we’re not getting pregnant. Why haven’t we considered IVF?
I’m going to put aside the fact that I am Catholic and that it’s not a moral choice and explain the other reasons why IVF just isn’t for us.
I'll close with a quote from an article Verily Magazine ran back in 2016 that still gets me every time (you can read the whole thing here... If you are considering IVF treatment, *please* read this first): "As the treatments began... my desire for a baby only grew. Unfortunately, so did my stubbornness and my impatience; I was determined to be a mom at what felt like any cost... Looking back, I realize that I was in a dangerous place emotionally. I was making decisions out of fear and other unruly feelings rather than out of a clear mind that was capable of weighing the risks and benefits to all persons involved, including any new human life that may be created in the process. At the same time, my husband and I were growing apart. He didn’t understand the way I was acting or why I felt so strongly about having a child. He didn’t experience desperation the way I did, and his attitude of acceptance of our infertility made me angry and allowed more distance to grow between us." Please pray for us on our journey through secondary infertility and I will pray for you!
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I was going to meet my husband as an undergrad. We were going to get married the summer after graduation and start having all the babies. By thirty, I’d be a homeschooling mom of 3 or 4 cherubs and be growing a 4th (or 5th). That was the timeline. My Plan. Well, as God said through the prophet Isaiah: “My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” I graduated with a Masters in Education and taught as a special ed teacher for 3 years before I met my husband… not at a coffee shop because of my strategically displayed, intriguing book choice, not at a traffic light when we happened to exchange glances and noticed that we were rocking out to the same song, nor at the ever-so-popular Catholic Singles Scene of Theology on Tap, but online through CatholicMatch.com. We dated for a year and a half, got engaged on the Feast of the Immaculate Conception, and then got married the Church minimum marriage prep time of six months later. (Aside: I remember going dress shopping a week after my engagement and the sales lady told me I should have been looking for a dress months ago if I wanted to get married in June. Poor planning on my part… *eyeroll* We didn’t buy my dress there, rather I found the perfect dress half off at another store and walked out with it same day.) I was 27 when I ‘finally’ got married. I started out married life ‘behind.’ But it was okay. I changed my timeline to accommodate for a year of adjustment to married life in a new town with a new job and then we’d have our first baby. But then, it took a year of trying before we became parents. Flash forward two years and I find myself trapped in this same self-imposed timeline again. I’m behind. I’m not pregnant with our second baby yet. Our son is already 25 months. I’m getting older and older. I’m running out of time. In three years, my pregnancies (if there are any) will be considered ‘geriatric’ and ‘high-risk.’ I had a well-meaning co-worker inform me that whenever we ‘decide’ to add to our family, there will be a three year gap between our children. I told her she could pray for us. A friendly parishioner told me it’s about that ‘time.’ Again, I begged prayers. Because, it’s not our decision. We can make every effort on our end but really, it’s out of our hands. I can get attached to a due date and then calculate when we’d be able to have the next one and the next one (did I mention I love being pregnant, being in labor, and newborns), but really, I have zero control. But how does one accept that, surrender the desire to control and plan, and just enjoy the abundant pleasures of Now (because there really are so many and Life is So Beautiful)? In a way, dealing with infertility is like dealing with the loss of a loved one. Each month there’s another hypothetical child you’ve created in your mind, calculated a due date for, and become quite attached to. You create a list reasons why *this* is the cycle God would chose. Why now is the perfect time. You bargain with Him, offering various prayers and giving up things you enjoy in hopes that He'll give you the gift of that tiny plus sign. And then another bloody cycle starts and it feels like a death. (Whyyyyy did God design us to bleed this way?) I’ve been told I need to hand it over to Christ. Lay it at the feet of the cross and be at peace knowing He knows the desires of my heart. And I have. I have placed this ache at His feet time and again. Asked His Mother to undo this Knot in my life through rosaries and novenas. But the peace isn’t there. I am stuck in the anger and depression stages of the grieving process. It’s turned into feelings of brokenness and doubt, at times, even self-loathing. It’s affecting my relationships. Why doesn’t my body do what it’s supposed to do? Why did God place this desire in my heart for more kids if He is never going to make it happen? And what if we are called to be parents of ‘only’ one? We needed NAPRO* support to conceive our son. We know the ‘formula’ that worked last time. But since my son is still nursing, we can’t proceed down that same path. Being me, I need to be doing something that feels productive while waiting. I am not happy feeling stuck. Last week, my sister-in-law sent me a newsletter from Natural Womanhood. In it, was an article about a new(ish) program called Organic Conceptions and its successful pairing with NAPRO patients for all around physical and emotional help. BINGO. I’ve signed up and will be beginning the program with my husband soon, sharing my thoughts with you here as we go. Maybe you’re where I am. Maybe this can help you. My husband is fond of reminding me that my body can work… that God does know what He’s doing, “Just look at our son.” And it’s true. If any other cycle of trying had worked, he wouldn’t be here. And I can’t imagine life without him. God does have a plan for us and I need to work on finding peace and joy in the Now as I try to trust Him. Because, to quote Isaiah again: “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.” *NAPRO= Natural Procreative Technology… A NAPRO Doctor uses information gathered from blood work and charting of your fertility signs to pinpoint what is keeping your body from conceiving and then, using supplements and often bio-identical hormones and sometimes surgery, corrects the issues so your body is healthy and able to accept (and continue) a pregnancy. |
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September 2019
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